Amazing, how the body starts to reflect the heart. I’ve heard sadness never killed a man, but here I am, dying.
Heavy, sick, tired, homesick soul.
Last try. Better make it count.
19th January 2012
Notes: 2
I’ve been asked that question quite a few times in the last two and a half months.
I didn’t know.
First I said, “I don’t know, I just know the Lord wants me to.” And He did. I kept feeling a weight in my heart when I thought about running away. I know I couldn’t. I mean, I could have. But I know that wasn’t what I was supposed to do. So I stayed. And I fought my way passed the cement and clay. Brick by brick, tearing down the wall. Without my own strength, but His. That was only the first wall, but it was the biggest and strongest. And once it was down, my lack of understanding love turned to heavy empathy, an outpouring of love which I now controlled.
Then the real battle began. The test of my manhood. Could I be strong in the moments that I needed to be? Because if I wasn’t, I would lose it all.
I’m still battling, but it’s worth so much more now.
The bond grew and is growing, every day.
But why? I couldn’t pin point it. I knew what I felt, still feel, even more now. But I couldn’t give a reason, I couldn’t put the words to it.
Tonight it clicked.
A part of me that I haven’t seen in so long has been raised from the dead. Breathed in life. Gave me a voice again, gave me a pen again. Put my mind and heart to 100%. To create and express again. And it had been so long since I felt like this. But I’ve never found this before, not in this way.
Brings out a part of me that I thought would be gone forever. Makes me wholly feel and wholly express. And now I know why.
Why?
Because, you inspire me.
This is my 11-year-old brother’s instagram he posted today.
His caption was, “Reading my book! And I found something so true!?!?!”
He’s currently reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, I was his EXACT age when I read those books and fell in love with them. Then started to actually like reading.
What he has just discovered is relation through someone else’s self-expression. The realization that someone else feels the way that he does, someone he has never met, never spoken with, never seen. Yet he still has this relationship with Mr. Snicket because they feel the exact same way about something.
He has just discovered the purpose of art.
I had this exact same moment reading this exact same book at that exact same age.
Good luck Luke.
We’re all just trying to make the trip home a little easier.
All of us are sore and tired, we’re seasick and sick of this sea. Tired of the waves throwing us around like we’re nothing.
But this voyage was never meant to be easy.
We’re all homesick and longing. We’re all exhausted and hungry. We are all, together, wanting to make the trip home a little easier. But it was never meant to be easy. So why are you fighting what will make you stronger?
I understand, but this voyage was never meant to be easy, and it never will be.
You fade in and out.
And I can always look up,
But I’ll always be surprised by what phase we’re on tonight.
